welcome to my slow decay...
home ::
29 : also i apologize for the fucked up dates from yesterday, 2020 hasn't registered yet lmao
28 : boys can be pigs. i can't even say they're men, they don't deserve such a dignified fucking title goddamnit. my sis got fucked over too. my akali mask came in today so that shit's cool, but then again i couldn't get out of bed this morning; it's hard to believe i still have school after break haha. fuck. i'm so fucked.
jump to : 1/4/20
27 : happy fucking new year. hope y'all have a good one. started out the new night drawing some shit i don't regret, so that's good. it didn't hurt to "design" him but at least i'm not torturing myself anymore. please check out here. or actually, i'll make an art page soon, or actually haha i need a checklist. need to keep track of shit. i'm more active on amino, sorry.. but i'll try and update here.
jump to : 1/3/20
26 : fuck./ man. i have too much shit going 'round my head. i'm already on break so what can ya do !!! but seriously i need to chill.. or not, chilling will only get me thinking. uhh anyway, it doesn't hurt so much to think about him anymore- yes, i'm scolding myself, but he doesn't linger so much, unlike the past couple of weeks. lowkey wanna rip his throat out bc of this video, it'd be nice to have a rage room a block away from my house. oh man, saying "l.a." leaves a sour taste in my mouth lmao.
jump to : 12/27/19
25 : this month was really bad from the start, and i learned a couple new things about myself, but that shit's about to get stuck in 2019 lmao bring on the next decade, i'll get some brass ready.
24 : i only plan on getting tipsy/slightly drunk tomorrow. smirnoff isn't enough but beer tastes bad to me. fucked around and made a short film, watch it on my portfolio. can't wait for parasite !!! if we're gonna watch it ngl
jump to : 12/22/19
23 : why can i not stop THINKING about him. can someone DIAGNOSE me with infatuation so i don't have to heartBREAK MYSELF, MY PHASE. goddamnit i need to stop... it's fucked up but I CANNOT STOP THIKNING ABOUT HIM. I ACTUALLY THOUGHT HE WAS A FRIEND. but 2 years went by like that and we're on our own shit now. fucked off to different sides of the world, but it's just two coasts- what difference does that make, he still fucked around when he shouldn't have so LEAVE HIM ALONE, ME. ow.
jump to : 12/18/19
22 : these fucking songs are so relevant to the point where i want them to stop... it's like they're pulling a rib from my caged heart oh my god it hurts...
21 : ugh my eyes hurt like hell... i need to stop stalking his page at 5 in the morning. goddamnit, i'm that type of ex- my fucking knuckles hurt too, but i don't regret Monday night. serves him right for sending me back in time.
20 : my birthday is in a week, starting tomorrow. i'll be 17. i'm not ready... i want to stay 16- but then again this year was pretty shitty. no. everything leading up to this point has been shitty. i can be so dumb sometimes! it's funny to think how i didn't just elope already. just fucking jump out the window, break a leg, and limp off, hitch hiking to LA or Dallas. then once i get there those boys will chain me down and hold me in a way i like it and- it's pretty fucked up to think about people like that. i'll stop.
jump to : 12/15/19
19 : don't you just love how you can see my sanity leave me with all these chained entries ?
18 : nah she got back with him. serves me right for stalking the shit out of him i HATE social media, how fucking easy it is to find people who fuck you and who you fuck. that came out wrong but there ain't no one reading this. fuck me. there's something wrong with my attention span.
17 : wrote a rap about him, made it to a song that goes yakuza. prolly gonna make it to my portfolio, but still need to tweak it a bit. i wish i was done. DONE.
16 : SHE BROKE UP W HIM. IT ISN'T MY BUSINESS BUT DAMN HAHA... i need friends. it's too early for another boyfriend. i think i'm desperate for attention, but that's a no no, that's what makes people leave. i really need someone to put up with me, just for a bit. y'know, fuck around and not treat me like a secret.
jump to : 12/13/19
15 : ghh. i need him to fucking take his shoes and go, don't even bother taking a coat, just sit on the fucking curb, right there, that's a good boy- now go shiver your boner out and don't fuck with me anymore. i'll decapitate your cap before you think about opening your trap. star shopping was a lie, moonlight burns between my legs at night- there were no star trails beyond your periods, i don't want to give up; you took what you want from me, now leave me BE.
jump to : 12/10/19
14 : i'm not vaguing. i can give anyone his name, high school. try me bitch.
13 : when can i ever find someone who shares the same things i try to put out ? i'll never know; i'm starting to lose hope. fuck all y'all fake-ass guys out there, tryna one up your gf with some side bitch on discord. everyone's fucked in the end. why not tell the truth about it.
12 : long-ass venting again haha, who needs a fucking shrink to talk to ? *raises hand* i'm so conflicted right now. i'm actually debating on continuing the poem i had about him, cold-ass bunny, burning fucking sun. no, i really should. might as well, while the blood is still fresh. y'know, if i ever see him irl, i'll fuck him up so bad. brass knuckles and all. no guns, just fists; maybe i'll cheat to bring his 6-foot ass down. deserves the iv drip, motherfucker.
11 : the one question i need to ask is... did i really love him-? i believe it was infatuation, or just another dummy to talk to while i had to wring my hands out. i thought it was real, but then again the proposal was rushed. i didn't rush it, i gave him space then decided fuck it i'll talk with him, fuck around, stay up.
10 : debating on exposing him to his gf. am i really that kind of ex ? well, actually, i've had it done to me before, i tried to explain myself but it fell through. do i wish that on him ? do i really wish to ruin him like that ? what human nature do i have, what can restrict me from dirtying my hands once again ?
jump to : 12/9/19
9 : fuck love. he made me into a monster. i accept that now. the first was sad. the second makes me mad. both let me hurt myself. now to accept that i'm nothing more than a girl fucked thrice over. prep me for surgery. need a third horn on this motherfucking head.
8 : HE'S GONE. AND SO AM I.
7 : HE WAS FUCKING FAKE. THE MOTHERFUCKER FUCKED ME OVER AND I LIKED IT. FUCK HIM. FUCK ALL OF HIM. HE DIDN'T DESERVE ME, FUCK HIM.
6 : FUCK HIM. he's never on for me, he doesn't even get on with me. i need a fucking therapist, i'm too damn attached to him-
jump to : 12/8/19
5 : i weep for fellow reptiles everywhere. the sun has set today on a season finale.
jump to : 12/5/19
4 : other people can be as vague as they can. me, i can't reason with myself to name the one's i envy. it isn't right.
3 : i want to legally change my name to "broken". that way people will know to stay away from the sharp edges i have.
2 : i want to be happy with myself. but i can't seem to shake what other people expect of me.
1 : nothing stays. no one leaves. it's not fair that i can't be found.
start : 10/13/19
daily playlist (whenever i update it) ::
all found on soundcloud or linked to youtube (don't got spotify lmao)
1/4/20 :
[sc] Nessly & Ski Mask The Slump God - WHOHASIT (Y2K Remix)
[sc] Lil Wayne - 6 Foot 7 Foot (Y2K Remix) [i fucking love Y2K okay ?]
1/3/20 :
[yt] XXXTENTACION : Look At Me! (Y2K Remix)
12/27/19 :
[yt] YABØII : Perseus
[yt] MCTR : Burn
[yt] Timothy Matthew : F8
12/22/19 :
[yt] Hex Cougar : Sacrifice (feat. Ruby Red) [again bc i'm vibing]
12/18/19 :
[sc] Sex Whales & Fraxo : Dead to Me (feat. Lox Chatterbox)
[sc] XXXTENTACION : Moonlight (NIN9 Remix)
[sc] SLUMBERJACK X Troyboi : Solid
[sc] Atlantic Haze : OBEY
12/15/19 :
[yt] Hex Cougar : Sacrifice (feat. Ruby Red)
[yt] Trevor Daniel : Falling
[yt] Sace : Forget my life (w/ sweeep)
_
[sc] Timothy Matthew : Yakuza
[sc] ^ : Dao ft. Sol
[sc] ^ : F8